The Confusion of Rescuing: When Helping Turns Into Enabling
The Confusion of Rescuing: When Helping Turns Into Enabling
Have you ever found yourself torn between compassion and exhaustion? Between the pull to help someone in desperate need and the quiet voice inside whispering, “This is too much”?
I recently faced this exact dilemma with a longtime friend—I’ll call her Carla.
Carla has been through more suffering than most people can imagine. Years of illness, hospital stays, and constant crises. My heart aches for her, and over the years, I’ve offered prayers, free sessions, financial support, and countless hours of listening. She’s not a client—she’s a friend—but still, my role with her often feels like caretaking.
Recently, she called me from the hospital asking me to take care of something simple yet complicated: moving her car to avoid another ticket. On the surface, it seemed small. But deep down, I knew what it really meant: if I did it once, I’d be locked into doing it every week. Another obligation, another invisible string tying me to her survival.
And that’s when the confusion set in.
The Inner Conflict: Compassion vs. Resentment
Part of me felt selfish for not wanting to help. She’s sick. She’s broke. She’s alone. Isn’t that what friends are for?
But another part of me was exhausted. I choose to work six days a week supporting others. I already give so much of myself—to my clients, to my family, to my prayer circles. When I imagined taking three hours out of my day to manage her car, I felt resentful, not loving.
And here’s the truth: resentment is a signal. It tells us when we’ve crossed from loving service into self-sacrifice. It tells us when our yes is no longer coming from love, but from guilt.
Why It’s So Hard to Say “No”
Many of us were raised to believe that good people always help, that saying “no” is selfish. But that’s not true. Saying “no” can actually be the most loving act—both for ourselves and the other person.
Because here’s the hard truth: sometimes helping someone means we’re really rescuing them from the natural consequences of their choices. And when we do that, we might unintentionally keep them stuck.
If I move Carla’s car every week, she never has to face the reality of needing new solutions—whether that’s calling social services, using hospital ride shares, or rethinking her living situation. My help could actually prevent her from finding the resources she truly needs.
How Much Do We Give?
So where is the line? How do we know when helping is healthy and when it’s enabling?
Here are a few reflections I’ve found helpful:
Check your heart: Am I giving from love or from guilt?
Check your energy: Do I feel drained, resentful, or burdened? If so, it’s too much.
Check the pattern: Is my help empowering this person to grow, or keeping them stuck?
Check your truth: Can I imagine saying “no” with compassion? If yes, that’s probably the right answer.
A Loving “No”
I’ve learned that “No” can be a complete sentence. But it doesn’t have to be harsh. It can sound like:
“I love you, and I’ll keep you in prayer. I can’t take this on, but I know the right help is out there for you.”
That way, we stay in love and compassion—without depleting ourselves or stepping into a role we were never meant to fill.
Final Thought
If you’ve ever felt this confusion, you’re not alone. The dance between compassion and boundaries is one of life’s hardest lessons. But remember: true love includes yourself.
Sometimes the most sacred service is not rescuing, but trusting—trusting that the other person has a Higher Power, just like you do. And trusting that saying “no” from a place of love may be the very thing that sets both of you free.
🌿 Questions for Reflection:
Where in your life do you feel resentment creeping in when you help?
Can you practice saying “no” lovingly, without guilt?
What might shift if you trusted others—and their Higher Power—to carry their own load?
Loving those we care about and loving ourselves is a balancing act. Be kind to yourself in the decision making. process. It’s not easy and it’s definitely not instant coffee. We have to weigh out the pros and the cons and make the best choice with the information and intuition at that time. Be gentle with yourself. This is tough stuff. -All my love, Susan